My Loved One is a Deranged Maniac
by Blaze3
Summary: Ah the good ol' Jerry Springer show. Supervillains try to reconnect with their offspring. Please review with questions so we can do audience participation for chapter 2.


My Loved One is a Deranged Maniac  
  
By Kraven & Blaze (Not to mention Jenny the Great.)  
  
Crowd: Jerry! Jerry!  
  
Jerry walks onstage.  
  
Jerry: Today our topic is: My Loved One is a Deranged Maniac.  
  
Crowd: Boo!  
  
Jerry: Our first guest today is Dr. Curt Connors, AKA The Lizard, & his family.  
  
The Lizard, wearing the tatters of his lab coat, bursts onstage.  
  
Crowd: Boo!  
  
Lizard gores a guy in the audience with his tail.  
  
Lizard: Grr. (Anyone elssse want to voice their opinion?)  
  
Jerry: You can't bully the audience like that!  
  
Lizard glares at him. Audience members simultaneously wet their pants.  
  
Jerry: OK, so you can, no biggie. Now let's bring on your family.  
  
Lizard: Grr. (Can I turn them into lizardsss yet?)  
  
Jerry: No.  
  
Martha & Billy walk onstage. Billy is shaking like a Jell-O mold & Martha just can't help but cry. Both are as white as sheets with eyes the size of dinner plates.  
  
Lizard jumps them & tries to escape underground with them. Finding no manholes in the middle of a studio, he sits down with his family under his arms. He hugs Billy, who in turn, gives the look one might give after being shoved into a pit of cobras.  
  
Jerry: How do you feel to be tucked under your dad's arms?  
  
Billy: I feel terrible, he's always either trying to cure himself or turn me into a reptile!  
  
Crowd is too terrified to boo. The crickets are too scared to even chirp.  
  
Jerry: Well, Billy, chin up. We've got another guest tonight, The Amazing Spider-Man!  
  
Spider-Man walks onstage. The crowd goes wild.  
  
Lizard: ROAR!!!! (Ssspider-Man mussst die!)  
  
Lizard jumps him & the two roll around the studio fighting until Spidey can be seen jabbing a syringe into Curt. With a screech he turns back to normal. He looks around with the dazed look of a guy who has just woken up in the middle of the lake after a long party, surrounded by a pair of topless chicks he's never seen before.  
  
Curt: Anyone know what happened here?  
  
The crowd breathes sighs of relief. Many let go of their blankies, teddy bears, rabbits' feet, etc.  
  
Jerry: Our next guest is Sergei Kravinov, AKA Kraven the Hunter!  
  
Crowd boos as Kraven walks onstage in his lion skin vest & leopard-print pants. He's polishing a machete.  
  
Jerry: Hey, you can't bring that here!  
  
A bouncer tries to take it but receives a toxic dart in the neck. Crowd once again wets its pants.  
  
Jerry: (he is tugging at his collar and sweating profusely) Um. Lets just bring out his son now.  
  
Kraven's son Aloysha walks onstage. He is dressed in safari gear & has a hunting knife clipped to his belt.  
  
Jerry seems to be getting a little more nervous with each passing second.  
  
Jerry: Um.Er. I. Um. Would you like your father to spend more time with you?  
  
Aloysha burst into tears, surprising the entire audience.  
  
Aloysha: Y-yes! He's always trying to kill Spider-Man & mount his head on the wall!  
  
Spider-Man: Not a good day to be me.  
  
He starts flipping through the help wanted section of the newspaper, all the while muttering about taking his agent and stringing him upside to attract the Vulture or pigeons, whichever's deadlier.  
  
Jerry: So what's it going to be Sergei? Are you going to continue the hunt or spend time with your son?  
  
Kraven: Hmm. I'd rather do both. C'mon son, let's kill Spider-Man.  
  
They whip out their hunting knives & chase Spidey out of the studio.  
  
Jerry: Oookay then. Our next guest is The Green Goblin!  
  
An explosion can be heard backstage. Goblin soars in on his glider laughing like a hyena. The audience just cringes.  
  
Goblin: Boo!  
  
They wet themselves, again.  
  
Goblin: Ha Ha Ha. Feel sorry for the janitor.  
  
Jerry: Let's get Harry in here before Norman demonstrates his arsenal.  
  
Goblin is juggling pumpkin bombs like highly combustible balls when Harry walks onstage.  
  
Jerry: Would you like him to pay more attention to you?  
  
Harry: YES! It's always international terrorism this or kill Spider-Man that. Sometimes I don't know if dad's controlling the Green Goblin or if it's controlling him.  
  
Goblin: I'm controlling him, duh.  
  
Jerry: So would you rather go fishing with Harry or kill Spider-Man.  
  
Goblin: Hmm. Fishing with Harry or killing the worst thing to ever happen to us. (thinks for a moment) Fishing.  
  
Audience: Huh!? (Wet again.)  
  
Janitor: Errgh!!  
  
They leave together. We see footage of them fishing together which would be touching if Norman wasn't in full Goblin regalia & reeling in sharks.  
  
Jerry: They owe me triple for this.  
  
THE END Spider-Man and any characters related to him belong to Marvel comics. If they have a problem with this story, they can sue us for the ten cents we have in our pockets. We're assuming Jerry Springer belongs to Jerry Springer. 


End file.
